Along with Barack Hussein Obama, William Jefferson Blythe Clinton and innumerable other altruists, Virtual Pulp has been deeply inspired by the blatantly orchestrated sincere, heartfelt speeches given by David Hogg and other tools wise, experienced and courageous youth insisting our rights be stripped from us. One has to marvel at the caliber of education that has led them to such a level of understanding.

Wouldn’t it be, like, really dope if everyone, y’know, was able to learn the real important stuff, like they have, so we could all, like, make such an impact? So starting with this post, Virtual Pulp will be publishing the fake history woke history that has made Camera Hogg & Company such model spokespeople for their generation.

9/11 and the War on Terror

Once upon a time, there was an area called the Middle East. Diverse peoples in the Middle East followed a Religion of Peace, which is no different from Christianity (except that Christianity is silly, racist, sexist and oppressive, whereas Islam is merely misunderstood). There were no problems whatsoever in that region before Israelis and Americans came on the scene. Republican administrations from the US made these peace-loving, tolerant people defensive and suspicious of infidels ruthless, exploitative colonialists.

Meanwhile, in that oppressive despotic dystopia of the USA, a secret team of Bible-thumping home-schooled NRA members hijacked several passenger jets and crashed them into buildings in New York City because…um, they hate women…or black people…or something.

The buildings collapsed perfectly into their own footprints just like a controlled demolition, because that’s what tall buildings always do, with absolutely no planning or preparation. These right-wingers hated with such a hot heat that World Trade Center #7 (which was never touched by an airplane or had its superstructure exposed to burning jet fuel) also collapsed perfectly into its own footprint.

Or maybe it was global warming that caused the steel girders to melt. Anyway: home-grown right-wing terrorists are a far worse threat than Islamic workplace-violence-committers. So there! That’s why we need millions more Muslim immigrants inside the country (taxpayer-funded, of course), but need to abolish the Bill of Rights for law-abiding American citizens.

The coward George Dubya Bush hid in an elementary school, using the bodies of school children to protect him from the blast of the jet crashes. Then he returned to the White House and signed The Patriot Act, which was an immoral, tyrranical act of oppression right up until Barack Hussein Obama bullied persuaded Congress to renew it. As soon as Saint Hussein vouched for it, of course, the Patriot Act was instantly transformed into a reasonable, common-sense protection that is totally not a despotic police state measure to further strangle the Bill of Rights. Saint Hussein further advanced the cause of liberty by giving us Indefinite Detention–so that Americans can be imprisoned for life without a trial or even charges.

It goes without saying that President Trump would be LITERALLY HITLER if he was to use any of these usurpations laws signed by Democrats. (Well, he’s already literally Hitler, of course. But he’d be, y’know, even worse than Hitler if he was to do what his predecessors  did.) Worse than literally Hitler, like…Joe McCarthy…or somebody. (More about that deplorable monster in a future installment.)

Since 9/11, there have been multiple incidents when some distraught motorists, disgruntled nightclub patrons and other oppressed victims have accidently engaged in behavior that inadvertently caused harm to others, while shouting, “Allah akbar!” Deplorable racist xenophobes have alleged that this phrase somehow indicates Islamic ideology. But our experts have discovered that this assumption is just redneck ignorance at work.

It turns out that “Allah akbar” is really from a secret code language spoken by Bible-thumping home-schooled NRA members, and, literally translated, means: “MAGA!” (Make America Great Again.) These home-grown domestic terrorists love to speak in code, as you well know. Our experts have decoded phrases like “American citizen” to actually mean, “Aryan ubermensch.” Similarly, “Second Amendment” actually means “Death to school children!” And “voter ID laws” means “We hate minorities!”

So those incidents were really carried out by Tea Party operatives–the most dangerous terror threat in the universe! Therefore any such atrocity should be classified as terrorism and be followed immediately by crackdowns on individual rights insensitive civic behavior.

The end.