Category Archives: Sports

Paradox Chapter 1: Altering the Course of Your Life

As promised, here is the first chapter.  Just one disclaimer:
These chapter titles might not be in the final draft. They were strictly for my benefit while writing/editing. As mentioned before, I do a lot of editing/revising while I write (one reason it takes me so long). These titles were helpful in organizing and finding stuff. I’m using them now in the sneak preview because blog posts need titles, and they might help the reader know what to look forward to.
I have a handful of titles in mind for the book; but am not sure which one I’ll settle on. For now I’ll call it Paradox.
Enjoy.

It was my retarded dog that indirectly brought me face-to-face with the rest of my life.

She was the only pet I’d ever been allowed to have. We got her from the pound. I learned everything I could about training dogs, but still…

Wait. Let me back up a bit.

I was over at PJ’s house. I was to spend the night there, which meant one of two things: either Mom wanted some privacy with whoever her newest boyfriend was; or my father had contacted her recently, asking her to let me go see him (which meant that he was in between girlfriends long enough to remember the reason for the child support payments). Mom became pretty lenient when she found a new boyfriend, or when she feared my father wanted to be part of my life. On such occasions, she was happy for me to spend the night somewhere else and tell my father, “Sorry. We had other plans.”

PJ was one of the pals I made in grade school. We both liked to make stuff. For a science project, he built a Jacob’s Ladder. I build a crude electric motor in a shoe box. Most of our classmates drew graphs or diagrams, but we liked each other’s projects best. That’s what drew us together.

PJ liked to build “experiments” in his back yard, using plastic buckets, PVC pipe, bungee cords and other stuff. The contraptions reminded me of some of the ridiculously complex traps set by characters in the old, old cartoons. The technical term for an experiment like these was “Rube Goldberg,” but I wouldn’t know that until many years later.

Me and PJ were in his unfenced back yard, building yet another Rube Goldberg contraption, when I noticed a grown-up approaching us with a big, dumb German Shepherd on a leash that had been chewed in half.

My big, dumb German Shepherd. Great—she destroyed yet another leash.

Is this your dog?” the man asked me.

There were two strange aspects to this. One was that, the way he looked at me while asking the question, he already knew it was my dog, and not PJ’s—even though it was PJ’s house. Two was the familiarity of the man’s hard face not concealed by the shiny sunglasses, and the flat, gutteral voice. And more than that. There was some quality about him that triggered a sensation a lot like deja vu.

The familiarity of his face should have been a bigger deal to me than it was. I had seen my father in person a few times, and this guy bore an uncanny resemblance to him. Only, whereas my father was whipcord thin, this stranger was obviously muscular under his business-casual attire (which was alien to neighborhoods like this). The pyramid-shape of the neck was a dead giveaway for fully-clothed body builders. He had a square jaw and a nose with that pronounced Dick Tracy notch toward the brow that was a family trait on my father’s side; but his was crooked too, like it had been busted at least once. He was a tough-looking SOB.

Behind his sunglasses, his eyes were hidden; but I could feel his gaze when it rested on me.

It’s my dog,” I confirmed, hoping she hadn’t killed a cat, dug a hole in somebody’s yard, or broke something expensive.

The man reached us and handed me both parts of the leash. I took it, and only then noticed how Ace was straining to get free.

Her and another neighbor’s dog started chasing each other,” the man said. “They were tearing-ass through every yard in the neighborhood. Gonna break something any minute.”

I’m sorry,” I said, wondering how I was going to keep her out of trouble if she kept chewing through her leash.

The man pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to me. It was a leash made out of chromed chain, with a vinyl strap for a handle.

Try tying her up with this,” the man said. “Probably can’t chew through metal.”

She might be dumb enough to try, but I didn’t say that. “Are you sure, Mister? I don’t have any money to pay you for it.”

Ignoring my question, the man squatted to bring his dark shades on a level with my eyes. “What’s your name?”

Pete Bedauern,” I said, nervously. Usually, when somebody asked my name, it meant I was in trouble, or about to be.

Well how about that,” the man said, extending his hand for a shake. “We’re related, then.”

We are?”

I’m your uncle Si,” he said, rising to stand again, rubbing his knees and grimacing.

Uncle Si?” My mind churned furiously for a moment as I stood there staring at him. Then it came to me: my father’s younger brother Simon. Somebody had told me he was in a bad accident that put him in a coma.

Just then, PJ’s mom came outside. “Is everything alright out here?”

PJ’s mother wasn’t home all that often. She was a buxom blonde, maybe in her 30s. What I remember about her most was how, when watching TV, she was frequently irritated about statements from a character in a show, and would argue with them as if they could hear her. Then she would lecture PJ and me, angrily, as if we had spoken the dialog that upset her.

Uncle Si’s hard face broke into a grin and he walked toward PJ’s mom, who was standing in the open doorway. “Hello. I’m Si Bedauern.”

Prior to that, it would have been difficult to picture a grin on that hard face. I didn’t recall PJ’s mom ever smiling before, either. But Si’s grin must have looked natural enough to her, because she brightened right up.

I took Ace away to tie her up with the chain leash, happy that the grownups looked like they would keep each other busy for a while so me and PJ could get back to work on the contraption.

Uncle Si talked with PJ’s mom a long time on the back porch. I didn’t notice when they both went inside, but he was sitting at the table when she called us in for supper. We ate pizza and ice cream that night, and PJ’s mom acted the happiest I’d ever seen her—laughing at all Uncle Si’s jokes and fascinated by his every serious statement.

***

I didn’t think much of it when Uncle Si was there at breakfast the next morning, too. He still had the sunglasses on. Grownups did a lot of stuff I didn’t understand and I had learned to mind my own business by that time.

I caught sight of PJ’s mom only once that morning, as she spent most of her time in the bathroom—and she looked rather disheveled. Uncle Si pulled me aside and told me he would take me to school.

The plan had been for me and PJ to take the school bus together, but I had also learned not to argue with grownups. Uncle Si said he would come back, walk Ace to my house and put her in the kennel, so it didn’t seem to be a big deal.

Uncle Si’s car was a late model Corvette. At first glance it didn’t look too much different from other Corvettes on the road. But it was louder than any car I’d ever heard, and I had the feeling it might explode any moment, because the engine was just too powerful for the chassis. Most of the drive I was flattened back against the seat, the muscles of my face pulling at me like I was on one of those spinning carnival rides. I didn’t know a car could navigate those streets so fast, but I decided that, as fast as he drove, it made sense that Uncle Si would have been involved in a car wreck that put him in a coma.

The Corvette came to a stop and that scary engine shut down. I looked out the window and noticed we were not at the school. We were a few blocks away.

Get out,” Uncle Si said, opening his door. “Let me show you something.”

He got out and walked around the front of the car. I opened my door and got out, not too worried about being late for school because:

1. I hated school, and

2. It was a grownup’s fault if I was late, so this grownup would have to work it out with the other grownups.

Uncle Si faced the building he parked beside, and nodded toward the sign overhead. It read: “The Warrior’s Lair.”

This got my attention. I was kind of a nerd about history, when it came to warriors of various cultures. I did poorly at school, but studied on my own about knights, samurai, Mongols, Cossacks, Turks, Apache, Commanche, and my favorite: the Vikings. They were my favorite for the silliest, most superficial young boy reason: they looked cool wearing horned helmets (which it turned out weren’t historically accurate, anyway).

What is this?” I asked.

Come on,” Uncle Si said. He pulled some keys out of his pocket, walked around the corner, and unlocked the door.

I followed him inside. An odor hit my nostrils that reminded me of a gymnasium. He turned on the lights. The walls were covered with mirrors and posters of men in martial arts uniforms. Most of the floor was covered with padded mats, and a roped-off square was in the center. There was also a variety of punching bags, and racks with weapons on them. I saw katanas, wakusashis and nunchukus, along with some others I couldn’t name.

It was the coolest place I’d ever seen.

I had fantasized about learning the martial arts one day, if I could somehow come up with the money for lessons.

You have keys to this place?” I asked, like an idiot.

Yup. It’s my place,” he said.

You teach Karate?”

He pursed his lips. “More like Bushido. As far as the art…well, some Karate, some Kung Fu, some Ken-Po, some Jui-Jitsu, some boxing, some freestyle wrestling…a mixture. I believe it’s gonna be the fighting system of the future.”

Oh my gosh,” was all I could say, at first.

He gave me a tour of the place, encouraging me to punch and kick some of the bags and dummies. I’m sure my efforts were comical.

Bushido means ‘way of the warrior’,” I said. “Do you teach people how to fight, and how to live like a warrior?”

He nodded.

Oh my gosh. How do people get into this school?”

Why?” he asked. “Is this something that interests you?”

I nearly wore out my neck nodding.

Maybe I can work out a family discount.”

I don’t have any money at all,” I said, dejected. “I’m too young to work at a job, and my mom…she’s not gonna pay for something like this.”

Head hanging low, I followed him into an office where he sat behind a desk and I slouched into a chair opposite him.

You understand there’s a value in services like what I provide here,” he said.

What do you mean?”

I mean, nothing in life is free. Everything of value costs somebody something. This building, the equipment in it, the lights, the running water for the bathroom, and the training of my students, for starters—it all costs me something. Either money, or time, or sweat, headaches…all of the above.”

I know,” I said. But I didn’t really know. No kid my age did. At least not in America.

That’s why I charge money,” he said. “I have to pay the bills, put food on the table, and maybe pocket a little bit while I’m at it.”

Okay, okay,” I said. “I can’t come here. I get it.” But maybe some day, if I could just come up with a way to make some money…

That’s not what I’m saying,” Uncle Si said. “I’m considering letting you come here and take lessons for free. But you have to recognize the value of that gift. You can’t take it for granted, or get lazy, or come at it half-assed. You’d have to take it deadly serious, Sprout. You’d have to give 100%, without whining about how hard it is—because it will be very hard—the hardest thing you’ve ever done up until now. And when you’re sore, and exhausted, and scared of what I’m gonna make you do next, you have to drag yourself back up here and crank it right back up to 100%—day in; day out. It’s gonna be work. And if I see you slacking, taking it for granted, or not taking it seriously, then you’re out. I won’t waste my time with somebody who doesn’t appreciate the value of this gift.”

I’ll do everything you say, if you teach me,” I said. “Only, I’m not sure my mom—”

I’ll talk to your mom,” he said, as if my mother was an easy person to deal with. “But this is about you. We’ll see if you’re as dedicated as you think you are after about a week.”

Maybe I was being too cocky. The training sounded tough—maybe too tough for me. What if I started training and then wimped out? I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing somebody who gave me a chance like this.

As if he could read my mind, Uncle Si pointed at my head and said, “See, I know something about you that you probably don’t know. I know you’re tough enough to make it. I know you’ve got the brains to recognize the value. I know you’re capable of the discipline it will take. What I don’t know is if you’re mature enough yet to apply yourself, long-term. If you can, then you’ll make it. I have no doubt.”

I felt a lump in my throat and pressure behind my eyes. No man had ever told me something like this before. It was a compliment! He couldn’t have dreamed up a more motivating speech with a room full of psychologists.

Should I take a chance on you?” he asked.

Unable to speak, I simply nodded.

Okay, Sprout,” he said, rising from behind the desk. “Remember this day. We’ve just altered the course of your life.”

 

UPDATE:  This book is published! Click here to buy on Amazon.

Click here to buy anywhere else.

Ford vs. Ferrari – a Review

Once upon a time, Henry Ford II (“the Deuce”) decided he wanted to get into Grand Prix racing.  Back then there was some truth to the motto “win on Sunday/sell on Monday.” Ford had enjoyed success in NASCAR (truly “stock car” racing back in those days), but didn’t have a foothold in the sports car market, despite once building a sporty two-seater Thunderbird. The simple solution was to just buy Ferrari, which had been dominating the 24 Hours of Le Mans in the GT Class for some time.

Long story short: Enzo Ferrari led Henry II on for a while, then pulled out of the deal at the last minute. This chapped Ford’s hiney. The Deuce made the decision that Ford would enter its own GT cars in Le Mans, and beat the Europeans at their own game, on their own turf. Trouble was, Ford didn’t have a platform, and would have to build their GT cars almost from scratch. Ford would first use their existing 289 V8, but later upgrade to big block overkill.

What happened was truly astounding. Within a couple years from the Deuce’s command, Ford fielded a team of GT40s (incredible machines for their time, and still no slouchers 60 years later) that dethroned Ferrari for good, and dominated Le Mans for years–even once Ford pulled the plug on the GT program after making their point).

The real-life story is fascinating, with real-life drama and excitement. What a natural mine for a dramatic movie. The  true story is one of several personalities in multiple teams. The filmmakers chose to focus on just two men in one team–the most colorful and well-known (Carol Shelby) and the most tragic (Ken Miles). I like the Shelby America team best, partly because it was composed of hot-rodders instead of college-educated engineers.

Ken Miles himself was a great fit for a team like that. He was Old School. Professional race drivers today know less about cars than a cashier at Auto Zone, but Miles was a mechanic as well as a driver. An especially talented driver, I would add.

The acting and direction in the movie is top-notch. Plenty of creative license was taken, as you can imagine, but the pacing is adequate and the racing scenes are visually gratifying. In my personal director’s cut, there would be a little more racing and a little less personal drama…but then I’m a gearhead.

The film glosses over a lot of details in this real-life saga, like losing early skirmishes with Ferrari due to problems like an Italian-built transmission that couldn’t handle the torque of the American V8. Other details were tweaked or fabricated to increase the tension, to placate the women in the audience who got dragged to the theater by husbands or boyfriends, and to take typical Hollywood cheap shots at capitalists and American mass production. But if you’ve watched anything else made by Commiewood in the last 20 years, then you probably won’t even notice any of that, so subtle is it by comparison

I strongly recommend this movie. Once you see it, if you’d like to know the more complete story of this slice of motorsports history, read Go Like Hell by A.J. Baime.

The Shelter-In-Place E-Book Sale…Part 2

I’m not calling it “the Martial Law Book Sale” because I’m trying desperately to be optimistic about the shutdown and what will happen afterwards.

While we’re waiting (and hoping) for this to blow over, don’t succumb to boredom. Kick back with a good book and enjoy the down time.

Mike has reduced the prices of all his e-novels, now. Also, I’ve slashed the prices of my shorter books and will add those links, too. Remember, you can click on the images or the text links to buy. And all these books are available not only on Amazon for the Kindle, but at Barnes & Noble for the Nook, Kobo, the Apple Store, and just about every other store where you can buy e-books, for whatever device.

-Hank

Fast Cars and Rock & Roll…that title tells you exactly what you’re in for in this 459 page  high-testosterone tale of Deke Jones’ adventures with racing, rock music,  and ravishing women.

CLICK HERE TO READ IT ON YOUR KINDLE!

Click here to read it on Kobo.

Click here to get it from Smashwords.

Click here to get it everywhere else.

Deke Jones is back for 612 pages of private detective work mixed with irreverent mayhem in Shadow Hand Blues, trying to solve a cold-case mystery after stumbling on a dead blues man’s electric guitar.

CLICK HERE TO READ IT ON YOUR KINDLE!

Click here to read it on Kobo.

Click here to get it from Smashwords.

Click here to get it everywhere else.

There are no elves, unicorns, or pixie ninjas in Gods & Proxies, but it’s about as epic a fantasy as you could possibly get in 316 pages. Or is it a fantasy at all?

CLICK HERE TO READ IT ON YOUR KINDLE!

Click here to read it on Kobo.

Click here to get it from Smashwords.

Click here to get it everywhere else.

The Curly Wolf is 321 pages of western action, innocent romance, and larger-than-life characters.

CLICK HERE TO READ IT ON YOUR KINDLE!

Click here to read it on Kobo.

Click here to get it from Smashwords.

Click here to get it everywhere else.

 

Buy all three Retreads novels from Amazon.
Buy the whole series from Amazon.

The entire Retreads series is available for a song at Amazon. Well, I don’t think they actually make you sing. But the three E-Books will cost less than a cheeseburger from the drive-through.

And, of course, the books are for sale individually, too. Hell and Gone was the series premier, my first bestseller, and still the most popular of all my books.

Buy Hell and Gone for the Kindle.
Click to buy on Amazon.

Buy it for the Nook on Barnes & Noble.

Buy it at the Kobo store.

Buy it at the Apple store.

Buy it at Smashwords.

Also available as an audiobook from Audible. Comment on this post to get a coupon code for a discount!

The second Retreads novel is Tier Zero. Many readers thought it was even better than the first book.

Click to buy Tier Zero for the Kindle.
Click to buy on Amazon.

Buy it for the Nook on Barnes & Noble.

Buy it at the Kobo store.

Buy it at the Apple store.

Buy it at Smashwords.

Also available as an audiobook from Audible. Comment on this post to get a coupon code for a discount!

With the third book, False Flag, the Retreads series took a turn into SHTF (I believe the current term in use is “boogaloo”) patriot fiction.

Buy False Flag for the Kindle.
Click to buy on Amazon.

Buy it for the Nook on Barnes & Noble.

Buy it at the Kobo store.

Buy it at the Apple store.

Buy it at Smashwords.

Below are some shorter books that were priced lower than the full-length novels. Now they’re even cheaper! (Sale prices will be visible after clicking on the links.)

Long before mixed martial arts, men of the west displayed their violent prowess with fists only. Tomato Can Comeback is the tale of a young fighter’s quest for redemption…on the canvas.


Also available as an audiobook from Audible. Comment on this post to get a coupon code for a discount!

Radical Times is set during the aftermath of the Civil War, when a soldier returns to the girl he loved, but is caught in the middle between two factions that still want to fight.

Thus Spake the Bard tells the story of a troubador and his creative friend, who get on the wrong side of a sheriff from Nottingham.


The Greater Good is a satire, dropping snark bombs on the superhero genre and leftist groupthink.


There will one day be a full-length Honor Triad novel, but for now there are two short books in this heroic fantasy series: The Bloodstained Defile, and The Gryphon of Tirshal.

Ali-Shavers (A Glimpse Into Boxing History)

To this day, the fanatic fan-boyism for Muhammed Ali is as myopic as ever. The Narrative on Ali is always him overcoming adversity and bigotry to beat the odds and show the world he was “The Greatest.”

While one has to admire his footwork, his lateral movement, his masterful head games, and his ability to absorb punishment to the body, you must use selective metrics to determine he was ‘the greatest”…or even the greatest heavyweight. What he conclusively proved is that, at least in his younger days, he could move faster backwards than his opponents could move forward.

Nobody before Gaseous Cassius had so brazenly flaunted such raw egotism. Humility was still a virtue before Cassius Clay’s ascendance. Now all athletes (and most people in general) are arrogant, trash-talking legends in their own minds. Clay/Ali was the trailblazer for grandiose, egomaniacal personalities in sports.

In this bout, Ali probably thought he could use the rope-a-dope strategy as he did in Zaire, and cause Shavers to punch himself out. There turned out to be two problems with that plan: the ropes weren’t nearly as loose as they were in Zaire; and Shavers had learned from that particular George Foreman blunder. Although Shavers had a small gas tank (like a lot of power punchers), he showed remarkable discipline in pacing himself, for the most part.

Arguably, Shavers was far too cautious. He ignored multiple opportunities after stunning Ali with hard shots, and had him hurt more than once, but failed to follow up effectively. Unbelievably, Ali even backed into the corner on several occasions. This would have been a suicidal tactic against a fine-tuned Mike Tyson, or The Rock at any time. (Marciano would pound on whatever part of an opponent’s body could be reached. If the best target he had was the arms, he would bang them until they couldn’t be lifted for protection any longer.) But Shavers only made token efforts at punching in these circumstances. Every such opportunity ended by Ali clinching, or Shavers simply backing away to let him off the hook.

A fight historian can probably count on one hand the number of times the elusive Ali was ever hit flush. Three of those times, he went down. Shavers never caught him flush, but even glancing blows from Shavers nearly took Ali’s head off. Starting  in the fifth round (and intermittent thereafter), Ali jumped on his “bicycle” to evade Shavers, offering an occasional feather-fisted counterattack.

As in too many fights throughout history, only a knockout could have overcome the favorite’s “home cooking” in this bout. As was typical in Ali’s reign, the referee allowed him to hold and hit for all 15 rounds, with only one warning. Because he could get away with it as usual, Ali clutched the back of Shavers’ head with one glove any time Shavers got inside. Shavers was the aggressor from bell to bell, landing the most effective punches consistently, unfazed by Ali’s occasional attempts at offense right up until an adrenaline-fueled flurry in the last seconds of the fight. No fair, impartial judge would have awarded the champion more than five rounds…but the judges were, like the referee, effectively part of Team Ali. All of them scored the fight an astonishing nine rounds to six in favor of the guy who got battered around the ring like Michael Avenatti’s girlfriend.

Shavers fought less than a perfect fight, to be sure. And maybe his excessive caution was partially warranted–he seemed to be out of gas by the end of Round 15 (possibly because, despite his caution, he still tended to load up and swing wild Western Union punches when he got excited). He was hardly the first to be exhausted from chasing the Louisville Lip around all night. Considering the officiating and scoring he was up against, his only path to victory was a knockout. He had Ali in deeper trouble, far more frequently, than Foreman ever did. It would have been fascinating to find out what might have happened, had Shavers not squandered so many opportunities.

The Replacements – A Review

With NFL millionaires flaunting their hatred of America, and contempt for at least half of their fan base, now looks like a good time to plug one of the best comedy jock flicks ever made.

“Every athlete dreams of a second chance,” proclaims Coach Jimmy McGinty (Gene Hackman) in voiceover toward the end. Second chances is what this movie is about, at it’s core. All the jokes, action, and Sports Movie Formula might distract you from that central theme; but those frills are not what resonates with the masculine soul while watching it.

Inspired by the NFL players’ strike in the late 1980s (before Joe Gibbs’ Washington Redskins went on to destroy the Denver Broncos in the Superbowl), the story begins with crybaby millionaire star quarterback Eddie Martel throwing a game in order to avoid getting tackled. The end of the game marks the beginning of the players’ strike.

The owner of the “Washington Sentinels,” hungry for a playoff berth despite the strike, woos “controversial” (old-fashioned) coach McGinty into putting together a roster of replacement players to finish the season.

Turns out, McGinty has been tracking some former players with great potential who, for various reasons, never made it in the pros. “If nothing else,” McGinty says, “they should be fun to watch.”

And they are.

Unfortunately, there are only so many plots available for a sports movie. It is a credit to the director that there are enough twists in The Replacements to make it stand out despite the formula.

The movie does have flaws. The romantic subplot, for instance, comes off as tacked-on and superficial. I suspect the scenes that might have fleshed it out wound up on the cutting room floor. It probably should have been left out altogether, so that other scenes didn’t have to be pared down for the sake of running time (Shane Falco’s first pass in the first practice was obviously two scenes cut together).brookecheerleader But the compromises that weaken the film are not why the critics hate it.

There’s none of the obligatory LGB-pandering anywhere in the film (except, perhaps, in a tres risque pantomime by the strippers-turned-cheerleaders on the sidelines at one game). The screenwriters didn’t contrive some way to put a female on the team–even as a kicker. Comraderie and male-bonding are celebrated throughout, and men act like men. When a female reporter invades the locker room, she gets little cooperation from the players and is ultimately convinced to give up and leave the “male space” intact. The bulk of the entire movie is an unapologetic celebration of masculinity guaranteeing that it could never get made today.

In fact, it’s amazing it got made 17 years ago, because the culture was deeply pozzed by then, already. Instead of watching the anti-American NFL bite the hands that feed them on Sunday, check this flick out.

NASCAR Needs to Allow Speedometers

NASCAR stands for “National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing” and, believe it or not, the drivers once raced cars that were factory-stock. That means, present-day race fans, that the cars driven at NASCAR races were once equipped with speedometers.

This is not the case now, which is rather mystifying, considering that penalties are assessed for speeding on Pit Road. In the Cup Race at Kentucky this weekend just past, Kyle Larson had to start the race at the rear of the grid due to finishing Tech Inspection late. He worked his way through the field during Stage One, only needing to pass two more cars to take the lead…

And then a speeding penalty planted him at the back of the pack yet again, and he had to start over. He finished Second behind the winner, Martin Truex Jr., but one has to wonder if that would have been the case without his mistake on Pit Road.

Truexvictorycircle

It’s an easier mistake to make than it ever has been, and more drivers are making it–ruining their chances for victory week after week. Without a speedometer, the driver has to estimate his actual speed based on the tach reading, and what the spotter tells him over the radio. But every single driver wants to gain, or at least maintain, grid position during pit stops, so they will push their cars as close to the speed limit as possible.

At least, that’s what they would do if they had a means to accurately gauge their speed. Then we’d see more races won or lost due to the collective effort of the respective race teams, instead of being penalized for failing to calculate what they are not allowed to measure.

Speed Week Plus: “Gearhead Porn”

One reviewer called Fast Cars and Rock & Roll “gearhead porn,” and I guess it is. Unfortunately, gearheads are an endangered species and an even smaller niche than I thought.*

But anyway… below is an excerpt from Chapter 37 from The Ultimate Gearhead Novel–as good a way as any to close out Speed Week Plus.

Pontiac Ventura II
Pontiac Ventura II

Deke Jones has been doing pretty well on the track, but a road course wreck damaged his Pontiac Ventura II to the point he is not allowed to finish the campaign in it. Not only that, he just discovered the truth about his scorching-hot girlfriend, and dumped her with gusto. Down but not out, our hero has teamed up with his fellow musclecar pilot, Gloomy, to finish the race campaign in Gloomy’s 340 Challenger.

1st generation Dodge Challenger
1st generation Dodge Challenger

 

I tuned the Challenger for the elevation while Gloomy checked tire pressure, brake condition and some other vitals. As we strapped on our helmets, Gloomy asked, “Where’s Lena?”
“Gone,” I replied. “She is no longer a member of the team. Or any team.”
His eyes looked confused through the helmet face shield.
“I’ll explain later,” I said. “Let’s get ready to wring this thing out.”
We rolled up onto the portable ramps by the scrutineer’s tent to undergo the quickest tech inspection ever.
Gloomy had quite the collection of his own compilation tapes, and popped one in the cassette deck while we waited. I hummed along with the Rolling Stones singing “It’s All Over Now.”
“It ain’t all over by a long shot,” Gloomy declared with a cocky grin. “We’re just gettin’ started.”
I wondered if my new teammate was schizophrenic or manic depressive. Well, as long as he wrenched hard, drove smart, and spoke the truth, I wouldn’t complain.
We passed tech and rolled up to the start line. The flag waved and Gloomy kicked it in the guts. He banged through the gears and we were flying in short order. But he began to back off the throttle too soon in top gear.
I checked my pace notes. “Keep the hammer down!” I yelled over the engine noise. “You’re coming up on a gradual sweeper with nice banking. No problem!”
Gloomy rolled back on the loud pedal and we continued to build speed through the sweeper. The lateral Gs were noticeable, but the wide-tracked Challenger stuck to the pavement with no trouble.
I called out the features before we came to them, including turn radius when appropriate.
The next song up was “Baby Please Don’t Go” by Willie and the Poor Boys and I couldn’t believe it. The two of us might very well be the only ones who’d ever heard it. Evidently he, too, considered it an outstanding song to motorvate to.
I couldn’t see the speedometer from where I sat, and it didn’t go high enough anyway, but I was confident we were making excellent time.
We were approaching a moderate-to-hard corner and I shouted the details out to Gloomy. He began easing off the gas. Judging by his last few curves it was evident he’d learned a lot on the road courses about how to use the brakes and transmission together, keeping his RPMs up in the sweet spot for track-out. Here he was going to stab his brakes turning in, downshift just before the apex, then roll on the throttle tracking out.
Just before the curve was an underpass, but there was something weird about it. The shadow from the crossing bridge extended too far. As we drew closer, I realized it wasn’t part of the shadow…but what it was I didn’t know. It was like a dark carpet covering the sun-bleached gray asphalt.
The first time Gloomy touched the brakes, we were atop that mysterious carpet. Even from the passenger seat, I felt the Challenger get loose.
Time slowed down. We were in the curve now, and the tires were hydroplaning. Applying more speed was out of the question because we came into the turn at the ragged edge of the envelope already. Same with maintaining speed, for that matter. Deceleration and braking was only pushing the rear end around. We were on the verge of utterly losing control, and there were some very large boulders on the roadside that appeared unforgiving.
I fought the sick feeling in my stomach as we slid, swerved and floated toward our doom, and yelled, “Road warrior!”
Gloomy’s reaction may have been just fast reflexes. Or maybe part of him, deep down, was still a soldier ready to use his training at the instant of a verbal command. He worked the brakes, clutch, shifter and accelerator like he was simply part of his machine. Within a fraction of a second, his rear tires were tearing backwards.
The Challenger was pulled straight and our speed plummeted like we had popped a drag chute.
I saw a piece of the dark carpet lift into the air before us. Then another. And another. The carpet disintegrated before us as first dozens, then hundreds, then thousands of its components lifted off from mother earth and scattered. One came through the window and whacked me in the arm. It looked like a beetle.
Some kind of Alfred Hitchcock/Steven Spielberg conspiracy of the insect kingdom had nearly sent us spinning into oblivion.
Nine out of ten people with a driver’s license probably would have come to a stop, smoked a cigarette, done some deep breathing exercises or uttered a prayer while their heart rate slowed to normal. I sure did want a cigarette right then.
But Gloomy didn’t fear the reaper. He slammed the clutch in, banged into third and, now with traction again, dug out right back for open road. He cranked the volume on the tape deck even higher. I honestly believe the worst part of the whole incident for him was that part of a good song was drowned out in the scream of rubber.
I grabbed the CB mike and broadcast a warning to anyone who had their ears on. Coug answered immediately. I told him to warn the officials about the Beetle Death Trap, giving him the nearest mile marker and the underpass as a landmark.
By this time Gloomy was topped out and the scenery was zinging by in a green-brown blur. The final straight was a steep downhill stretch and it felt like we may have hit 190 before the road flattened out again.
Gloomy didn’t let off the gas until we passed the flag man. As the Challenger slowed and backrapped, Gloomy let out his war cry–something between a dog barking and a rebel yell.

 

*A lot of people once subscribed to Hot Rod, Car Craft, etc. and I doubt if they’ve all died off in the last decade. And Moparts.com was a YUGE site not just for Mopar mavens, but all car guys. Did they die off, too?
At the very least, those guys evidently don’t read anymore, anyway. See, enthusiast magazines (and the website) didn’t just have photos–they were mostly text…suggesting that the subscribers knew how to READ, and bought the magazines in order to do so.
And read about cars, in particular.
I genuinely wonder what happened to all those guys/what they do now in place of reading.

My Dream Superbowl

I stopped being a sucker for bread and circuses a few years ago. My irritation with the NFL had been growing for years before that.

Free agency destroyed team loyalty among players and coaches, and even team coherency in most cases. Officiating has been inconsistent at best, and smacks of fixing at its worst. And bad calls have affected the outcome of big games in recent history. But the last straw is the league’s descent into cultural Marxist PC activism. In collusion with other SJW-controlled organizations, for instance, the Nasty Faggotized Leftists bullied Georgia’s governor into overturning the will of the people to trample religious liberty in favor of LGTB thought police.

Despite all this, I still like football. When I happen to be in a place where someone has a game on, it’s a big temptation to get engrossed. At one point, I was a football fanatic. I played it with 110% effort, both on the field and in the sandlot. And when I didn’t play, I watched. When there was no game to play or watch, I read about it. I had every Superbowl outcome memorized–all the way back to the Packers’ 35-10 shellacking of the Chiefs in ’67.

History inspires me to imagine various “what if” scenarios, and sports history is no exception. So, what’s my dream matchup for the Superbowl?

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Minnesota Vikings vs. the Buffalo Bills.

The Bills were originally from the American Football League, and won the AFL championship in ’64 and ’65, before O.J. Simpson ever lined up in their backfield.

The Vikings were the 1969 NFL champs.

Both teams are 0 & 4 in the Superbowl however.

So the ultimate argument in favor of this Dream Bowl is that one of these cursed teams would have to win that Lombardi Trophy (that is, assuming it wouldn’t end in a scoreless tie after quadruple overtime).

Both franchises have had teams that were good enough to win the Big One, yet they underachieved at the moment of truth and lost to lesser teams.

And while I’m dreaming, why not draft team rosters from history?

The dream Buffalo team isn’t hard to pick. I don’t know much about the AFL Champion Bills, so I’d go with the Marv Levy would-be dynasty with Jim Kelly and Thurmon Thomas on offense; Bruce Smith and Cornelius Bennett on defense.

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Had they won that first one in 1990, their subsequent three-in-a-row Superbowl appearances likely would have turned out much differently. Winning big games becomes a habit, and it’s still fairly rare for a team that has won that prize to lose it the next time.

And the Bills were the better team in 1990. The loss is blamed on the kicker for missing a gimme field goal, but it was really the Buffalo receivers who lost the game.  Neither Kelly nor Thomas committed a turnover all game. In fact, Kelly was laser-accurate, hitting his receivers on the numbers all day…only to have them drop the ball for drive-killing incompletions. New York, with a lackluster ball-control strategy that gave them a lopsided time-of-possession, squeaked it out by one point. That Buffalo team never got their groove back in the Big Game, despite a record four-straight appearances.

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I’m more familiar with the Vikes, and so the choice of would-be dynasty is harder to make. The old Purple People Eater lineup seems like the obvious choice. The only team to ever send the entire defensive front four to the Pro Bowl in the same season was also the first team to ever make it to the Superbowl four times. But whether with smashmouth Joe Kapp or scramblin’ Fran Tarkenton at quarterback, the offense was always lacking in something. They never had a great offensive line, a big receiving threat, and a marquis running back all at the same time. There was only so much even a spectacular defense could do.

cartermosshighfiveIt’s hard not to finger the 15 & 1 team from 1998, with a red-hot Randall Cunningham under center, explosive runner Robert Smith in the backfield, and both Chris “All He Does Is Catch Touchdowns” Carter and phenomenal rookie Randy Moss as a deep-threat tandem, while John Randle anchored a respectable defense. That record-setting season came to an end with a game that was also blamed on the kicker, which is understandable–Gary Anderson had been perfect all season, then shanked what would have been the winning kick before overtime.

But that game’s outcome should have never rested on the kicker’s leg, either. John Randle was playing hurt in the game, which allowed the Atlanta Falcons to run up a high score, and Coach Dennis Green’s idiotic play calling made it a one-two punch…in their own face. For instnce: your guys (the most powerful offense the league had ever seen) have a first-and-goal with seconds left on the clock and the game’s outcome in doubt…what play do you call? With all the weapons they had, any number of plays would have given them the margin of victory. Green chose to have Cunningham take a knee to end regulation.

As fantastic as that team was, they turned out to be a flash-in-the-pan. Their next season was lackluster and they choked even worse in subsequent playoff appearances.

My choice would probably be the strike season wild card team, with Minnesota Vikings 1980's - File PhotosWade Wilson at quarterback, Anthony Carter at Wide receiver, and D.J. Dozier in the backfield. But they were slopping over with talent on both sides of the ball. Their defense had a young Chris Doleman and Keith Millard on the line, and defensive backs like Joey Browner and Reggie Rutland shutting down opposing passing games.

That roster is hardly remembered today, because despite winning their division a couple times and sending record numbers of players to the Pro Bowl, they never quite gelled as a team, and didn’t have the heart to win the big games.

Except for that exceptional 1987 post-season, when the flu and a crucial dropped pass ended their Cinderella Story in the 4th quarter of the NFC Championship at RFK Stadium.

Who would I choose to coach them? If it had to be a Minnesota coach, I’d choose Bud Grant.

Chasing Tyson

Mike Tyson’s story is of a journey from the bottom to the top, and back to the bottom. If you saw one of his later fights–like against Lennox Lewis–you would assume him to be overrated, if not a joke. If you had seen him in action on his way to becoming the youngest heavyweight champion in history, you would realize how far he fell.

HolyfieldbeltsIn the days after Tyson’s one-round knockout of Carl “The Truth” Williams, many a casual sports consumer opined that nobody in the game could beat him. I pointed to a smart, skilled light-heavyweight named Evander Holyfield and told anybody who would listen, “If anybody could do it, he could.”

Unknown to most of us, or at least under-appreciated, Tyson’s personal life was a hot mess at the time and his self-destruction was already underway. In his first fight with Frank Bruno, careful observers noted the cracks appearing in his armor. He was no longer a well-oiled wrecking machine. More like a powerful-but-lazy brawler.

Tyson’s mentor/trainer/father figure, Cus D’Amato, had died. For a while his fighting discipline was maintained by trainer Kevin Rooney, but Tyson fired Rooney and replaced him with a posse of sycophants and Yes Men. His skills diminished and his motivation died. He was ripe for demolition when he arrived in Tokyo for his fateful match against a journeyman heavyweight motivated to give the performance of a lifetime.

It’s tragic that once all that talent was stripped off Tyson (by himself, mostly) there was just an ugly little person underneath. But honestly, that is the case with most celebrities. Our culture tends to worship people with Tier One talent, and/or beauty. But those things are gifts, not some outward manifestation of inner goodness.

Having followed Evander Holyfield from before he moved up to Heavyweight, I recognized him for an exceptional warrior. Even as a light-heavy, he never had the power to match Tyson (very few in history have ever had a punch like Iron Mike did), but he was smart, disciplined, had knockout power…plus miles and miles of heart.

The documentary portrays Holyfield as a disrespected hard luck fighter who struggled to emerge from under Tyson’s shadow. It’s an interesting perspective, new to me, because I recognized Evander’s potential from way back (serious fight fans had watched him since the Olympics).

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Holyfield chased a title match against Tyson from when Iron Mike truly was “the baddest man on the planet.” It’s like a tragicomedy how, every time he got close to his goal, fate stepped in to deny him, time and time again.

After a long, winding path to get there, Holyfield finally got his shot. The Tyson he fought was not the fearsome juggernaut of the past, but neither was he the one-diminsional target who faced Lewis and Douglas.

Evander beat him soundly.

Then, in the infamous rematch, Tyson manifested his inner turmoil for the world to see in all its vile ugliness. Instead of channeling his anger into his fists, as Cus D’Amato had taught him, he took the coward’s way out in an unprecedented foul that ended the fight (he tried to bite Holyfield’s ear off).

Because the film maker slanted the history into such a hard luck narrative, I Tysonwildroundhousedisagree with many assessments offered, and am disappointed that many facts are missing or touched on so briefly as to seem irrelevant.

To me, the tragic, hard luck aspect of the whole story is that, because of their performance during the downhill slides of their respective careers, history won’t remember what world-class fighters both of these men once were.